Dear uglies,
This is my first attempt at this thing called “blogging,” hopefully I’m doing this right. If you’re reading this, then yeah, I suppose I am doing it right. I couldn’t grasp what exactly I need to write about for this to be a legitimate blog, but apparently bloggers write about whatever the hell they want. Hopefully, my mic is on— this is what’s been on my mind. Read carefully.
God, I miss my fucking dad. I miss my fucking ex. I miss my fucking friend. I hate when time passes and another day goes by without them. Hate is a strong word and maybe in the next blog, I will be more positive, because I should be working on that, words from my therapist. (Love you girl!) Grief fucking sucks, but it’s also beautiful in a way. I think feeling this distress, this pain, makes me remember how human I am, and that I am only capable of so much. I read in Buddhist practice how life is a spiral, and that problems can and will repeat themselves and how we decide to react, will decide our fate. If we being so deadass, my anti-depressants choose my fate each day. #LoveYouLexapro
People come and go, that’s only human nature. Grief happens in all shapes and forms and it also never goes away. I’m scared to forget my dad’s voice, I don’t have many things to remember him by. I can only honor him through memories, but what is someone without the memories? (Nice one Kitty!) I lowkey be having some banger one-liners. Also, I feel like I’m very bold to openly say I miss my ex on this, but I don’t hate him, not one single bit. He is an amazing man, I don’t think I’ll find anyone like him. He was the warm feeling of the sun hitting the horizon. He was my sun. I never knew how much happiness one person could bring to me. I felt like I was in the stars with him. So why did I let him go? I will never force someone to stay, the sun went away and rainfall hit. But, fortunately, the rain was calm and peaceful. The sun will come back, but for now I am fine with the rain and the cloudy days. When the sun comes back, I’ll be eternally grateful. I already am.
I’m currently writing this fighting back tears. You know, despite all the hurt I’ve been given, even if it was undeserved, I don’t know if I could ever stop loving. To love is one thing and to BE loved is extraordinary. I am so happy to be familiar with being loved. By my friends, by him, by my family. It is truly such a warm feeling, and in this cold weather, I love it. Without my ex, I actually coped surprisingly well. Well, I mean there were days where I didn’t show up for myself, but guess who did? My friends. I love my friends! They are like my children that all came out of my womb. I would breastfeed them if they needed me to, I would piss on their legs if a jellyfish stung them. I feel like this blog has no structure and is a mess but maybe who fucking cares, it’s my fucking website.
Halloween was yesterday and no one knew who I was. I was a judge, a sexy judge. Even with the gavel, people had no clue who I was. I for one, was not larping Judge Judy, I simply found a pink gown and knew I was gonna be the cuntiest judge on this earth. I worked the club for the first time on Halloween night and it was surprisingly really fun. Unfortunately I was on my period and wore lingerie…so genuinely a trick or a treat. (If you get what I’m putting down.) I went to a house party after, because who doesn’t love a good house party? We need to bring them back, fuck da clerbs. The vibes of a house party are uncomparable, the community and unity within a house party could cure the world. Everyone’s drinking, we got people doing doing bumps in the bathroom, hallways are meant for kisses, it just makes sense. Anyways, I don’t really have much more to talk about, but I do wanna do this every Sunday. It could be really healing for me, I’m grateful if you made it to this point. Always remember the sun always sets to rise again. Love you uglies.
